Don't you send me to vm
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
