I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i love accidental penises.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
