I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
