Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
