he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I wish there were birth control emojis
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
