All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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