i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
