why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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