I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
