hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
