having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
