We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
