Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
