You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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