He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
