Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
