I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize