I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
