If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You took a bar mat shot.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
