Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
