I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is Oprah even human
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
