I think I died a long time ago.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
