Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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