I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
