I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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