um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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