just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
