My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We are two peas in an std pod
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
