Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Boobs speak an international language.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
