she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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