I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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