did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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