I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
