She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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