Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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