dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
