she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
