Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
