And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
