just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
