Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He shit in the fireplace
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
