T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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