You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
