I just gift wrapped bread.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
