Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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