no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
