I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize