Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
