I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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