So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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