yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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