Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
