I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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