Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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