sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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