Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
