you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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